Channeling Hermione's thoughts
by SnufflesLives
Summary: It is the summer before the sixth year. Hermione is alone, thinking of....Harry of course


It had been this way since 2 weeks now, in fact it had been this way for along time ago, it had been this way since she had worked out the feelings I have for him, well that certainly wasn't a clever move, to fall in love with a guy who have quite a knack to put himself in life-threatening situation, let alone him being one of my best friend. Not that it was his fault of course, well not entirely ! As she was to be found in her bed, deep in thought again Hermione Granger try yet again to calm herself, she was desesperate to talk with Harry, desesperate to find out if he was ok (in a other way that him writing so !), find out if his "relatives" treat him with the kind of respect and kindness he deverse, she was worried that him might do something rash again. Unfortunatly all she was able to do for now was writting to him and......hope he would write back, the first week was the worse, she had to write him three times before he have the courtesy to write back. And Hermione was not pleased at all with what she had to read. It was two mere lines, that says that he was all right (Like he can be trust on that !!), and tell her to enjoy her summer at Grimmauld Place! That Prat ! How could he think for one second that she wouldn't prefer be with him instead, to get him to talk, to try and ease him, to hold him in her arms......in place of that, all she have in prospect was to finish her vacation (worrying about him) in spain with her parents, and then go to Grimmauld Place indeed (worrying about him even more).With Ron. Well speaking about Ron, she was not that pleased with him eitheir, quite the opposite in fact ! He wouldn't let her try and speak to Harry about Sirius, always shushing her when she try to find out how Harry was. And now she had no way to find out how he really was, no way to do him good. And she hated Ron for that !  
  
Well, Harry's response have improved since then anyway, she wasn't sure why, and even if his letter were still empty of proper news about his feeling's, he nevertheless seem to appreciate Hermione's effort to keep in touch with him. For once he seem more open with her and she was very glad about it, he seem to be refering to her as soothing him, and that pleased her more than he can imagine (oh my...if only he knew !!) For all she knows the Dursleys seems to have taken seriously the Order's threat, and Harry seem have at least this one thing to enjoy. Why on earth does he have to go there each summer, she doesn't understand, yet most of the time she wasn't even thinking of disagrying with Dumbledore. In fact the only one times she had not understand what Dumbledore was playing at, was when he had hired Umbridge as defence against the Dark Arts teacher. But she had discovered later that he have had his reason for that, that he had been compelled to hired her, because of that stupid ministry decree (she didn't remember the number). Was it the same here, was there really a reason for Harry to return to this hell each summer, she put the subject in the back of her mind, of course Dumbledore have his reason, he wouldn't do anything to hurt Harry on purpose. She only hope that she would find out, because it was haunting her to know that he was there alone. Speaking of dumbledore, she was quite puzzle, she was sure that something important happened, something was said that Harry would not reveal right the way, the way he kept eluding the subject was telling her that (She was sure, that even him, couldn't deny that she know him by heart now)  
  
Now that she have a little time with her parents, they have become suspicous about her. Of course it was her fault, always talking about Harry, crying like a child the night she return her home because she was again facing a solid month without him. The fact is she was quite mad at her, her being weak when he needed someone strong at his side, her being in love with him... Yes she was in love, she needed time to admit it to herself, to regognise the feeling but she had now, if the truth was to be told she was deseperatly in love with him.  
  
At the beginning she used to think that she have in fact logical reasons to worry sooo much about him. True he was the fourth school champion and he had a dreadful year ahead of him, with someone lurking, ploting to kill him. (who wouldn't be worry ?) Harry's safety had become Hermione's priority at that time, she couldn't think about anything else, and well with all the work she always have, she had never been able to have a proper social life, at least until Viktor shows up. And strangely enough it wasViktor who confront her with all that, it was Viktor that made her realise that she was in love with Harry. When she had to watch him struggle against that Horntail (she shivered at the memory) scratching her face to blood, she really was thinking that that was it, that Harry was going to die, well thank to his amazing gift on a broom he hasn't. But all she could do afterward was to wonder who wanted Harry to die that bad, sure the all point of putting him throught all this was to kill him and even someone as thick as Ron realised it after watching that ! How wrong she was. She surely have looked like a fool for crying like that when Harry and ron made up (she knew all allong they would) but the thruth was that she was keen to hide her relief.  
  
The second task was definitly the time when it all begun to bother her. She was not too worried about Ron because she knew that he was safe. But she didn't know if Harry had find a way to breathe under that bloody lack for an hour, she didn't even know if the way he found was good enough to bring him safe at the surface. When he doesnt' show up, she really become to feel scared to death, she can't stand losing him, during those terrible couple of minutes, she heard Viktor telling all these beautiful things but it doesn't quite reach her, Harry was certainly dying, what the hell she cared if Krum felt that way about her ? why anyone couldn't go and look after Harry. A short (but too long) while after that, she saw him, he was alive ! he had done it on his own ! She was so proud, so relieved ! And that guy who was there again telling her about that stupid Skeeter woman stuck on her hair, when she wanted so bad to speak to Harry, she was hoping that the time he took for retrieve his prisoner didn't cost him too much point, he had spent too much time bothering about that blonde girl she thought, he could have died, let alone lose point ! Then that Delacour girl went to kiss harry ! How dare she, why couldn't she let Harry alone, she was much more angrier that she could explain. But then Dumbledore annonce that Harry was in lead... She was soo happy...  
  
She was sure happy but she couldn't ignore all that thought that keep bugging in her head, she could ignore the fact that she was afraid for him ( again who wouldn't have?), but the fear that took her was the worse fear that ever took her, she just kept thinking "Please don't let him be dead, please I can't live without him !"She couldn't ignore such a fear, such thoughts about her best friend, and what about the fact that she were jealous about Fleur... She was really confuse, could she have a thing for Harry ? Well in any case she was sure that she haven't anything for Krum and just decide to ask him to remain friends, but he doesn't gave up until much later...  
  
Well if in any case she thought she had experience fear until then, well she discovered during the third task how wrong she was... What a mess it have been, when Dumbledore came out of that maze to tell that there were two missing student, she tried to look in his great, clever blue eyes to see if he had some kind of explaination, but she saw that he has no explaination, she only saw fear, and it was just as if she was about to faint, Ron and her have always been with him in when there was dangerous thing to do, but he was alone, without a single person who could tell where he was, with whom he was.The very thing that scared the crap out of her all year long has arrived and for once there was nothing she could do about it, about anything in fact... An hour or so passed and it began to feels like days. She was crying softly, wainting for Ron to say something that would confort her but he didn't, he look too much scared to say anything. When she learned all that has happen that night, she couldn't believe it, why that kind of crap was always happenning to him, why couldn't he have a normal life ? She was not feeling fear anymore but anger terrible anger. And then she saw Harry lay on this bed, at the hospital wings, with that terrible look on his face, her first impuls had been to run, it was unbearable fo her, but she wanted to be there if he needed her, so she stay. But she would not looking at him, she could see that he doesn't need the kind of pity look Ron was giving, he always hated people staring at him anyways... She looked at the windows, feeling a new surge of anger for Voldemort, why couldn't he let Harry alone, why does he have to put him throught all this, and that's when she saw the beetle...that night was not a complete lost she thought.  
  
When Krum went for her the last day, confronting her about his feelings for Harry she knew that she couldn't kidding herself anymore.So she tell krum he was right and he understood, in fact as she finished he reply that he knew since long he was fighting a losing battle. But how on earth will she ever be able to deal with it ? And then on the train station she decided to have a dare, to try and retrieve a little of the horror harry has been trought, she kissed him on the cheek, she wanted to hug him, like he never ever had been but it would have been too much, she had just discovered her feeling and she was not ready to give him the slightest clue  
  
She return home that summer, confuse as she had never been, confuse beyond answer, she didn't know what to do about all these feeling's. all the sudden she have all these memories that comes to her, it amaze her how she fooled herself all year long, all these years long in fact. How come she didn't regonize these feelings before Yet she remembered that she were really annoyed that Harry act like a fool with the Veela at the World cup (but she didn't analyse it) The truth is that she was happy to have Hary a little on her own during this year (but she didn't analyse it) The truth is that it didn't sound that wrong when Rita Skeeter kept singing that she and Harry were a couple (but she didn't analyse it) The truth was that she was quite glad to see the look on harry's eyes when she show up with that blue dress, and she indeed thought he was cute with this green robe during the Yule ball while she was grinning at him (but she didn't analyse it) The truth is that she was jealous at Fleur when it comes to Harry. The truth was that back in third, second or even first years, she always have been concerned for his happiness, for his safetiness, for his well- being, she always liked his great green eyes, the his hair kept being messy, his grins, the truth was that she thought he was brilliant and kind (but she's never ever taken the time to analyse all this) The truth was that she had all this feelings for long now, the truth was that she can't remember the time when she was not in love with him now that she understood all that. It was definitly much more easier before, what the hell could she gonna do about it?  
  
She wanted to be with him, to speak to him, and when finally she found the guts to write to him, she received a letter from Dumbledore, she had to go at the Weasley's house and she was not to write to Harry. How could he do this to her, and what would Harry think about her not writting to him all summer, there wasn't anything good about that ! And when she arrived at Grimmauld place and was told not to tell anything important to Harry while he was at Privet Drive, she became concerned that Harry might do something stupid if he felt being push apart let alone what he would think of her ! She was soo relief (at long last) to see him again she could have kissed him, but she knew she had to content herself with a big hug......  
  
It had been such a dreadful year, between her O.W.L, the ministry interference, Harry who wouldn't keep his nose clean, and Cho Chang who decided to finally notice him. She never felt it was the right time to tell him that she have been seeing him in a different light since long, and she was beginning to feel scared, scared that the right time may never come...... Oh she had tried the spend time with him on her own all right, but it had not been very succesful... Yet, during those tiny little beautiful seconds at the end of this summer, when she spotted the Prefect's badge in Harry's hand, she had believed that finally she would get him on her own, and just when she began to picture the extra hours of fun with him, the truth comes out: it was not him who had been picked, it was Ron, and that just meant extra hours of works. How could Dumbledore do that to her ? She had to use those childish things in a means to be praise by him (" And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think am I" I ask you !!) (even if she had be sooo pleased with his anwers, she definitly feel ashamed about that one), asking him to do those hats with her(Like there's nothing better to do !), even him not playing Quiddich(as sad as it really was) does not make the trick, they've never been able to have much fun time together. No, in fact, all she got this year was only to do the very dangerous things with him......  
  
All the things they've tried to do together turns out to be bad idea, The D.A.: the very thing they started together , the only things who seem to make Harry feel good ( and I'm the one to be congratulate on that !) turns out to be Dumbledore downfall as the headmaster, despite all her precautions (and I'm the one to be blame on that !). Her idea to make Harry go public and tell his version ends up to Umbridge giving Harry an another week of detention, and she blame her with the death of Sirius too, blaming herself to blindly fall onto the trick despite the fact that she knew there was something fishy about all that. That was that she was desperate to share with Harry at the end of the year, he was not alone on that boat, she blame her as much as he does, and thanks to Ron she didn't have the chance to say it aloud. She didn't have the chance to "share" the pain with him, to show him that she was with him...  
  
Why hasn't he Learn Occlumency a little harder, why does he have to be so curious, why didn't he listen to me instead of shouting at me ? It's not fair, I'm always the "nagging" friends ! Why can't he see that I would do anything for him ? That I've always been on his side. It was me who was with him, in front of those bottle back in first year, telling him which one to drink It was with my help that he find the entrance of that bloody chamber It was the two of us who saved Sirius It was me who had been in front of those Dementors with him I never ever treat him like he was a cheater, or a fame seeker I never treat him like he was a lying foul, I always stood behind him firmly Why can't he see that I love him...  
  
She tried to calm herself, she had to admit that she was really angry with Harry for not seeing ,remembering all those things but she knew none of this mattered anymore since the death of Sirius (without speaking of that thing he's concealing to me !), especially the fact that she love him, all harry was needing right now was a friends, a true friends not a girlfriend... And even if ? Would he return her feelings, would he be capable to see more then nagging and homework in her? She understood that right now she'd have to wait, to aid Harry to bear his grief first, but one day those question will have to be answered(she felt sick with fear at that prospect) but before that she'd have to be with him, help him as she always did.  
  
Who knows ? one day perhaps he will be ready to hear what I have to say, perhaps he will have all these feelings  
  
And when he will be, I'll be there, as ready as I am now............. 


End file.
